Dear Tom and Taylor,
When the Internet meltdown happened a few days ago following the release of pictures of the two of you kissing, I was right in the centre of it. "Dating? Noooooooo!" I silently screamed as I scrolled through the incriminating photos. "How cheap are you, Tom? All it took was a flirty dance at the Met Gala? Come ohhhhhn!"
Yes, Tom, you're a fool for putting yourself in the position you're in, and for allowing yourself to possibly become a member of the infamous Taylor Swift Dumped Boyfriends Club by hooking up with a woman who is as much of a career strategist as she is an intelligent, beautiful and talented singer. It leads me to wonder, based on your earlier campaigns to be the next Bond, if you both share more than just a love for busting a move.
Taylor, I've admired you for standing up for your beliefs, being smart about your music career, making your voice heard and making your fans feel special through your thoughtful actions. But face it, you're are an attention-seeker and a master manipulator.
Your dating track record - where each boyfriend was a man-of-the-moment and in the prime of his career - says it all. Joe Jonas. Taylor Lautner. John Mayer. Harry Styles. And most recently, Calvin Harris.
I'm not saying beautiful people should not hook up, nor do I feel there should be a specific mandatory mourning period between relationships. But I definitely question the way things usually progress with such ease. Has it been pure coincidence that you've been jumping into the arms of one hot guy to another, in what seems to be to be calculated moves, driven by pre-set shelf dates?
Taylor, you're a smart chick. So I don't buy how you just keep falling for the wrong guys. I used to believe all your relationships were fuelled by kismet, and that you were in the right place at the right time. Now, I'm not sure any more.
You celebrities have your easy connections to the Who's Who around you - either through your publicist posse or the power of social media. But even the best-scripted movies could not have featured such impeccably-timed hook-ups, flings and love affairs!
Taylor, you've taken the piss about how your love life is a joke; how you can never hold a man down. You've even blamed the press for your break-ups. Yet, now I'm beginning to think perhaps you don't want to hold a man down. You just want fun flings and meaty fodder for your songwriting. Which comes first - the chicken or the egg? Are hook-ups or break-ups the real catalyst for your chart hits?
And those pictures! Do you both consider us netizens to be idiots? Do you really think you've fooled the world that some paparazzi just happened by your date? You were both in full view of other people on a beach - yet, by some miracle, no other pics snapped by those around you have surfaced.
Plus, in spite of the beauty of Rhode Island, with her grand colonial architecture and lush parks, you chose to shout your love... on a few old rocks. Seriously? Sure, you were both at the beach. Near Taylor's home. But who spends a date sitting on rocks? There wasn't even a sunset in sight. Was it simply because you, Taylor, wanted to test Tom's gallantry/motor skills/muscle strength in helping you navigate those darn slippery surfaces? Couldn't you have made him help you up the stairs of your private jet instead?
Also, Taylor, I really need to mention your OOTD: A spectacularly clashing sweater and a skirt combo, topped with what looked like a haphazard pony-tail. That's the best you can do on a rendezvous with the brand new man in your life? Did your stylist have the day off? With your hunched posture in certain photos, you could pass off for Tom's aged relative wanting one last view of the Atlantic Ocean before - well, you know.
For sure, the next few weeks will be interesting, as your relationship (fling?) gains traction. More photos will undoubtedly surface and inevitably, the world will care and netizens will not stop lamenting this relationship even as they share pics and go "I died!" in different ways. Why? Because there will be no way to avoid it. How can we? The proverbial dam has broken, and we have been warned. Cue: Deluge of meet-ups and more canoodling, hopefully in a better wardrobe.
Tom, I'll still watch your work, but you used to be a million times hotter in my eyes. Taylor, I can already hear the tills ringing waaayyy ahead of the release of your next album. And to you both, I wish lots of champagne, roses and dare I say it, true love.
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